My Blue Crocs

Breezy August is care-free
Filled with giggles and music
Friends and freedom
Playing in the sand
Walking on soft grass
In my blue crocs
Once summer is over
I put them away
On a shelf
In my attic.

School starts
In September
Melt-downs in gym
Drama with friends
Secrets that change your life
That empty feeling
Which you can never understand in books
I can finally relate
My crocs sit on the shelf
Dust piles on.

An all-nighter birthday
Begins October
With laughing
And obsessing over TV
Worries about school work
The dread about the night
That will change my life forever
My crocs sit on the shelf
Dust piles on.

Holloween
Begins November
With the constant telling myself
It's the last day of October
But I still have time
And I really don't
Because I change
From black to white
No one
Really understands
And time keeps ticking
While I am stuck
In a moment
My crocs sit on the shelf
Dust piles on.

Coming back
From Thanksgiving Break
Begins December
The constant wish
That things can change back
And then the realization
That they won't
I just can't get over it
The dread of the thing
That isn't that bad
And the happiness
Of realizing the change
Was for the better
And the idea
Of starting the New Year
With a new horse
And new freedom
My crocs sit on the shelf
Dust piles on.

A New Year's party
Begins January
The constant smell
Of horse poop
Laughter in the lunchroom
School stress
Without a mirror reflection
My crocs sit on the shelf
Dust piles on.

Valentine's Day
Begins February
Stress of being single
Not fitting into the crowd
The girls laugh
At how I dance
And my crush
Doesn't even notice
Adults say
I'm just not trying
And again
No one understands
My crocs sit on the shelf
Dust piles on.

A beautiful ride in the rain
Begins March
The month
Of family hatred
That makes you question
How people
Can be so shallow
How people
Can know anything
For certain
How people
Can say the words
Not possible
And that saying stupid human
Is being redundant
Again they say
Scientists prove it
But who are we
Compared to animals
My crocs sit on the shelf
Dust piles on.

Spring Break
Begins April
I consider
Running away
But I never get past
The door
I just don't know things
Anymore
Like I used to
And I feel like
All I'm good for
Is dreaming
My crocs sit on the shelf
Dust piles on.

Final exams
Begin May
I look back
And ask
If I really changed
Sudden urges
For chocolate truffles
To shut the lights out
To run barefoot
My crazy ways
Of loving horses
And saying words
Like seriously
It's good
Simply knowing
That some things
Always stay the same.

I take my crocs
Into the June summer breeze
Dust scatters off
Into the open
And my crocs
Are blue again.

It's
A new season.

Good Bye (Jingle Bells)

This is a song I wrote for my pen pals when I had to go. Happy holidays!

You guys I have to go
It was fun chatting today
And you might be like NOO
But I'll come back to say

I love you guys so much
You make me feel so great
You have the magic touch
I'll be back not late

Check your Dells, check your Dells
Email's on the way
I'll come back to chat with you
And you chat back, say hey!

Pure Happiness

Tingles and shivers in my body
Bubbles of excitement pop and just make more
Crawling spiders carry energy all over me
Half of me wants to drive the feeling out
And the other half wants to leave it there pulsing
For the sake of time, the second half wins

I count down the hours and the minutes
Not able to concentrate on anything but my excitement
Everything is so slow and I'm in auto-pilot
Why can't I just get a jump-start and transition like in the movies?

At last I'm down to the last few seconds
Three, two, one and the curtain of waiting peals back to reveal pure joy
My horse is standing there ready to ride
I climb on and everything in me explodes
I'm riding without a worry or care
I'm free

The breeze flows through my hair
It's as if the rain is cleaning out my human soul
And pouring in thoughts of peace and love that no one else seems to ever think
Right here and now I'm here to love with open arms and to be happy despite anything
To giggle away my anger and to ride my heart out

I think to myself, this is what I've been waiting for
I realize that this is better than anything else
Any material item, any dumb hot guy, any of soceity's idols
This is what keeps me alive

Riding my horse feels amazing
I'm unstoppable and uncontrollable
I question if, with my pure joy and wonder, if I'm even part of the human race
Why oh why can't this last forever?

Stupidity

It's stupidity that makes us dependent
On food and on water and all that darn electricity
On people to help and people to lean on
Just plain luxury makes up our artificial world
And what's going to happen when it all collapses?

It's stupidity that makes us gullable
To the government, to religion, to supposed superiors
To all the certain facts you learn in school
We just assume and let our minds play tricks on us
And what's going to happen when the apple floats upward?

It's stupidity that makes us look from the outside
At people, at fiction, at the whole wide world
At all the little situations that happen
We try to make everything black and white
And what's going to happen when we find our soulmates?

It's stupidity that makes us monsters
To the planet, to the world
Destroying everything with whatever
Why do anything if you're going to lose it all?

Oops

Stars are falling, the sun is dying, the world is so darn collapsing
And just three minutes ago was the age of humans, just three minutes ago I was laughing
How can four billion years go by just like that, how can I not even be here
When the world was just spinning and we were just waiting for school to be out
Am I the only one caught in a moment, and I the only one who just looked up?
Or is it too darn late to find the answer?

That Other Girl

Standing there crying
Against the mirror
Jealous of an image
And her precious face
She's me all over
She's me on the inside
Yet I'm that other girl
I'm that other backwards girl
Staring from the outside
Oh, I'm that backwards girl
Who's staring from the outside

Look at her with an evil laugh
Look at her who's tough hard core
Look at the girl who's coming through
She's me all over
I'm that girl who's crying hard
I'm that girl who's throwing up
And I'm that girl who can't stand anything
That other backwards girl
Staring from the outside

My mirror reflection has got it all
Standing there and grinning broad
She's the girl obsessed with static
Dissecting decorative starfish bought at the beach
She's standing there; the electrode in her hand
She's me all over
I can barely press the clear on my calculator
I'm that other girl
That other backwards girl
Staring from the outside

Why oh why does it have to be her
Can't thought and light join?
That's her job to figure out
But she's too lazy
It's happening now and I'm feeling all dry
We take too much for granted
Yet we can't really help it
Why does it have to be my mirror reflection
Cuz I'm standing here
Jealous of an image
I'm the backwards other girl
Looking from the outside

The Facts

We really don't know
Not a word, not a fact, not a feeling
No one likes to admit they're clueless
But it's true, true, true
That we live by dying

And you don't understand
You didn't even try
And why couldn't you even try
Cuz you really didn't know
And it's true, true, true
That facts are facts that don't exist
And our thoughts are a spec to the universe

I didn't mean to hurt you
I didn't mean to act so stupid
And how could you throw it away
How could you drown it dead
You just didn't know
But it's true, true, true
The music won't come out

And the time will come when you come back
It's the boomerang game of all humans
Why can't you understand
I can't even let you go
I can't even understand
But it's true, true, true
What happened to one year ago?

It's like sitting around and talking with no point
It's like punching letters and deleting them all
It's like screaming some words with no one to hear
And it's true, true, true
Why can't we understand
That we're still
Not dead

From Black to White

Staring deep into the mirror and smashed against its side
Screaming how could you close in like that overnight
How could my mirror reflection keep me to herself
How could she look at me like that, how could she just not know

Looking at the old me
And feeling through the new me
How can things just happen like that
Last minute was three years ago

What happened to the mean, tough me who wanted to save someone's life
What happened to the obsessive me who researched Grey's all night
What happened to the girl I knew, the girl who laughed instead of cried
How did I go from being mean to nice and from being black to being white

Where's the me surrounded by static and where's the me slamming locker doors
Where's the me staying up till midnight and wanting more and more
I'm surrounded by cupcakes and I don't know what to do
I don't know how to live the life of the girl I just turned into

And I so desperately want to change back
So desperately want to study all the static without sickening
So desperately want to turn back the time
So I'm not the girl who passed out in the locker room

Lightning crackling in the mid of day
With a lunar eclipse as bright as the moon
But somehow I just can't stand it anymore
How could I be so stupid to do it all for someone who doesn't exsist

The girl in the mirror stares back blocking me away
I cringe against the door and start to cry
Four years have past in five more seconds
And I just don't know why I've turned from black to white

Will something happen just in time
Does anyone even care
Can any miracle bring me back to normal
Before I'm not even white

Nowhere

Crammed up against the window pane
Turned inside out
I don't know what to call that feeling
Don't know how to live
And maybe
We all try
But we're really getting nowhere as we breathe

Staring at the girl who's got a simple life
There's a family and something to eat
And comparing her to the starving child
Why don't we realize that her life could be worse
Why don't we look from the inside
Do we really even try
We're really getting nowhere as we breathe

And I don't know how to put my hand right up on that feeling
I don't know how to explain it with words
But couldn't we all try
Just to realize
Not be so obsessed with MINE
We're really getting nowhere as we breathe

To look at someone and criticize
To the point where we're giving ourselves away
Can't anyone think
Or are we all just way too human
And we're really getting nowhere as we breathe

How am I supposed to look back
How am I supposed to cry
We're all entranced in our own little dream
With that matter-of-fact little tone
It was just September yesterday
We're really getting nowhere as we breathe

An A+, a commitment, she won three games in a row
Is that all I am to you
Is that all I've done in my life
Can you not look at me and say that I tried
Why do we only look from the outside
If that's all we are to others
We're really getting nowhere as we breathe

And we're humans of all sorts
Containing ourselves in our precious bodies
Kneeling down and throwing up
And looking at things through only our eyes
We're really getting nowhere as we breathe

Just for the Moment

If we could all be ourselves just for the moment
What would the world be like?
If we could all be ourselves just for a moment
We would all be a little bit physch

If we could all be ourselves just for the moment
Everyone would stop what the chores we're doing to look perfect
If we could all be ourselves just for the moment
We'd all follow our urges and never suspect

If we could all be ourselves just for the moment
We'd wear the wackiest clothes and laugh a lot
If we could all be ourselves just for the moment
We wouldn't worry about doing stuff the wrong way and getting caught

If we could all be ourselves just for the moment
We'd dance and sing at midnight
If we could all be ourselves just for the moment
We really wouldn't have any fright

If we could all be ourselves just for a moment
Well, I have to admit that moment is the key word
If we could all be ourselves just for the moment
It's only the split second that would be absurd

Stuff to Remember

Riding Kelpie through the wind
My horse and I breaking the light barrier
We are at the same rhythm, driven towards the same thing
And all I can think is how I feel free

I pour the baking soda into a cup
Adding salt and sugar and all the spices
There could be endless possibilites on how this could taste
And all I can think is how I feel free

Sprinting at midnight with my puppy
We together are the only ones out
Everything is oepn to us--open minded and open boundaries
And all I can think is how I feel free

I throw paint at a huge easel
Just splotching different colors on with my brush
I don't really care how it turns out; after all this is only for fun
And all I can think is how I feel free

Laughing until my stomach hurts
Hardly realizing I'm where no one can find me
I'm care-free, sadness-free, guilt-free, and pain-free
Apart from all society's threats

I can hear the music playing
The rushing beat and the tick-tocking clock
Nothing good ever lasts but a split second
The moment is gone; I am left with nothing

I can't describe the feeling
I can't bring it back
And I ask myself, "Why can't I remember?"
All I can think is how I felt free

Magic

Riding bareback on my best friend Midnight
A black stallion glistening in the moonlight
I am barefoot, dressed in summer clothes
While the trees rustle and I feel the breeze's tender touch
I gallop away, away

The soft grass shuffles under our feet
The sky is old yet young, peeking through the tall trees' leaves
We are alone, Midnight and I, yet we are together
We are the only ones who understand each other inside and out
Really we are one spirit adventuring towards freedom
We gallop away, away

The serenity of the land we have found
No trees have been cut down, no human presence
It's a break from the tangled up wires and the dire bulldosers
The magic sensation running through me is pure energy
This world has no matter, it's vast and free
We gallop away, away

I am a mere runaway with what others call nothing
This land is my room
The moon is my nightlight, the grass my bed
I need no windows
Most people call it unsafe, too open
But somehow it makes me feel free

And I wish I could enjoy the magic forever
As beautiful as sunrise is, it brings sorrow
Daylight will restore and they will come looking
Those who are dying as they live
And Midnight and I will return to normal

But every moonlight the wind will rustle
The trees will sway
Magic will happen
While everyone else says sleep is necessary
Midnight and I will be there to live
And one of these nights
The most vast night of all
Daylight will never come
It will be the end of the tangled up wires and the dire bulldosers
And there we'll be
Galloping away, away

Butter

Is the butter on the table?
Is the lemon in the lime juice?
Is the apple in the fruit dish?
Are we ready for dinner?

Does the base cover everything up?
Does the blush make my cheek bones stand out?
Does the Slim Fast make my body look thin?
Do I look perfect now and forever?

Can you see the tear in my eye?
Can you see the frown on my face?
Can you see my make up running?
Do you think I'm very happy?

Do you see me on the staircase?
Am I better new and improved?
Is it better to be me or to fit in?
Did you leave behind some bread crumbs?

What You Do on One Side Must Be Done to the Other

Have you ever felt like eating paper?
Have you ever felt like crushing glass?
Have you ever felt like popping bubbles?
Have you ever felt like skipping lunch?

Have you ever felt like doing something crazy
Because nothing else will satisfy you?
Have you ever felt like holding back the crying
Because you're afraid of feeling sad?

Have you ever cried during the happiest movie
Or laughed during something stressful?
Did you try to replace your own problems with fiction
Only to find you feel even worse?

Have you ever started crying because your pen ran out of ink
And stayed in the restroom for three hours?
Have you ever lied down carelessly under a sink
And realized with horror that you finally felt emotion?

Have you ever been overwhelmed with feelings
Guilt and horror and dread and worst of all, hope?
Have you ever been parylized with water trickling
Watching the water and the blood running together and drowning?

Have you ever woken out of your figurative death
Hoping for support but only to find yourself alone?
Have you ever told your friends your feelings
But they only judge and turn against you so shallowly?

Have you ever heard people talking about what you did
How bad it was, how ashamed you should be?
And then have you sensed that those same people feel guilt themselves
Who just need a friend, someone to pull them through?

Have you ever felt that everything could be right again
That someone understood you and you were fine?
And then you discovered that you were as wrong as one can be
Everyone turned against you once again

Have you ever felt worthless because of society today?
Have you ever felt like a monster in a closet?
Have you ever felt angry because of gossip in the hallway?
Have you ever felt like a circus animal trapped in a cage?

I always wondered what it would be like to punch a hole in the sky
And to truly forget the echoes in my ears
I still wonder why people place frames around the windows
Doesn't everything look better running free?

Dry

I'm sick and tired of the cruelty
Just angery at the world
I want to scream and pour it out
Instead of skipping lunch
Instead of laying here like nothing happened
Unable to move or think or talk
Or feel any emotion
And they all say to distract my mind
By reading or doing homework
But all I can do is lay here
Self-absorbed and stuck in a moment
Not even realizing that I'm in the bathroom

Hateful, Dreadful Society

We sit and complain
Oh, how things are going wrong
And oh, how we can't do anything
We're just couch potatoes lounging around
Not taking advantage of all we have
To change it

And the happy peeps come round and say
Be thankful for what you have right now
Be cheerful and don't complain
Have a positive outlook
And I don't agree one bit
Because if we're thankful for what we have right now
One day we'll lose it all
We won't look outside at the things messed up
And be able to change it

Some people call it voter apathy
Or not taking opportunity
Staying right there cuz we can't take the risk
I call it just plain stupid
Do we realize what's happening to everyone's rights
When we say the pledge do we really think
Or is it becoming a habit just like brushing your teeth

There's only five fingers but there's so many hands
We're looking at the outside
The obvious
Concentrating on the problems dangling in front of us
And when are we finally going to see
That we're so darn messed up

And why can't we take advantage of what's right in front of us
We're down to the point where dying and living are the same
I want to say hello
Wake up
And I keep shaking society except we never open our eyes
Why not run in the rain and ruin our hair
Why not eat some chocolate and smudge it all over our faces
And break down laughing hysterically
We're so fixed on instant solutions and drugs
Keeping up a perfect impression
Why are our souls shrinking each time we read another magazine

And we're counting time
The time we've got left and the time we've survived
On a twelve month calendar
Why is everything so structured
Why do we try to trap time and own land
How come we draw the line and say MINE
I remember learning about abstract and concrete nouns in grammar
Concretes are things you can own
I think everything started out as being abstract
What has happened to our greedy selves
My worst fear used to be getting bubble gum in my hair

One day our souls will be completely gone
Tomorrow I'm getting drugged for depression
I meant to just comment on society
But the happy people disagreed
They don't want me making a bad impression
So they're taking me away
Into their closed mind
Where they think the drugs will make me better
But it's rather like they'll replace me

And look at me here
Standing all alone sobbing in the rain
The train keeps on chugging
I reach over for my Diet Cocola that I'm drinking
And the People Magazine I'm currently reading
When I get off the train and see my family
I'll act happy
I'll act like it's a beautiful day
To make a good impression
No one would ever guess that this is me
No one would ever guess the second most natural instinct of a human
Which, of course, is being hypocritical
Saying one thing and doing another

I said I hated society
I said I hated the human race
And now you are gawping at me
Stop making so many stupid assumptions
I said I hated the world
But I never said I wasn't part of it

The train stops chugging
I pick up my Burberry suitcase and get off
The sun is shining brightly and the trees swaying
I just used whitening bleech strips
My new smile will be great
I have to act happy in front of my family
Maybe it won't be so hard after all

Worst Enemy

He's my worst enemy
I scream at him NO
I just wanna slap him
Or punch him
I hate to watch him breathe
Cuz he always gets his way

And here I am
Standing right here
He really has nothing to do with me
Or my life
Yet I still hate him
He's still my worst enemy

I talk about him to everyone
Tell them all what I think should be done to him
Of course that has no effect
He'll always get his way
As long as he keeps living
Cuz it's life

And I keep thinking that for years
It's me and him against each other
And I get used to the fact
Except now I realize
That I've got no right to say that
Cuz we are the same
One day that could be me

And I still hate him
But I can't admit it
Cuz it's life...
And we're all the same
It never matters
Who's gonna get it all
Who's gonna get just some...
It's life...
Do you think we're all our own worst enemies?

Cracking

Fires set to houses
Starving children begging
Volcanoes erupting
Thunder and lightning
Happy people crying
The funeral bells ring
And while I'm standing here
In the midst of this bedlam
I can only laugh

The sun is burning out
All the water is being wasted
To put out that fire
We're all going to die
That's no surprise
But shouldn't I at least try to help
Should I at least move
And care?

I'm trapped and surrounded by darkness
Someone has blindfolded me
To shelter me
And yet I still know what's going on
I can feel it
I can hear the bells ringing

I'm inside a coffin
Am I alive or dead?
Who knows?
Either one is no surprise to me
I hear the last drops of water
Against the crackling fire
And the bells' rings echo endlessly

I'm in a casket
The staleness of it finally hitting me
Stuck in a moment
In a coffin
The funeral bells are for me
They keep ringing

And amidst the bedlam
Amidst the tiny cold spike
Trickling up my spine
Amidst the happiess and sadness of leaving the world
And the bells ringing
All I can do is laugh
I'm cracking under pressure

Priorities

No one is understanding
No one cares
Judging and killing
Closing our minds
We've got the natural instinct to survive
We, ourselves are our number one priority

And I want to be able to snap out of it
I want to be able to see past the fog
To see the cars blowing up
And the little girls crying
I want to be able to see the people who don't have as much as me
But I can't see past the fog

I'm staring at the mirror
Smearing on the lip gloss
Fiddling with my hair
Half of me wants to forget about what will never happen
To just look at the outside
And keep staying where I am right now

And the other half of me wants to do something
To at least try to care
And to see past the eyes I have
Those ugly human eyes
To take off that eye shadow
And all that artificial junk
And finally get my priorities straight

As the tension builds in me
I realize that no matter how hard I try
I'll always stay human
And be trapped inside this awful skin
Probably
At least I think
And if I try to escape
I'll be so different
And is it worth the risk?

I keep staring at the mirror
I add the eyeliner
The fake eyelashes
That's my number one priority right now
Because I'm human

Silhouette

Hope is just a silhouette
Fading away
Ever so slightly
To be seen

Hope is just a silhouette
Just like a shadow
Tagging along
And you're trying to tell it to go away
You know it should be gone

And you're brain's saying no
With your heart saying yes
What in the world is keeping you sustaining
It's that silhouette
It's hope

Hope is just a silhouette
Only to be seen if you really look
With peripheral vision
With a new idea
With all you've got

Only if you really discover
What in the world is keeping you sustaining
What in the world could be that feeling
It's that silhouette
It's hope

You look into yourself
And you find that it's still there
Looks like it's fading but it's really getting closer
Pushing you to find it and then hiding in the distance
Keeping you sustaining
From not figuratively dying
Oh, oh
It's that silhouette
It's hope