Am I Dead on the Inside?

Paralyzed
I can't move
I can't think
What just happened
I'm gonna faint
My life just slipped out of my hands
Where did he go
Where am I
Am I dead on the inside?

My room whirls around me
Life is spinning
I need control
But I can't have it
Did my friend really die
Just like that
Or am I still at the nightclub
Dancing
I'm lying on the bathroom floor
Am I dead on the inside?

I still need to do the laundry
Still need to feed the dogs
What the heck!
I skipped four meals
But who really cares
I lost a friend
I can't even laugh or cry
Am I dead on the inside?

Friends desperately try to comfort me
They can't
All I hear are the last words he said
"Marry me"
I can only think of my life
What just happened
Am I dead on the inside?

There's a painful lump in my throat
Hot tears start to leak
My whole body sprawls and shakes as I let out the first sound in days
An agonizing scream
Pure terror pulses throughout my body
And I know it's time to be alive

Upside Down

It's three weeks after summer
You're life's turned upside down
Not at all how you expected
You're the most hated in town

Three days ago you cheated
You've lied to your best friend
You don't know why it's happening
You want your life to end

You're in trouble with the law
Suspended from your school
It seems like just last week
When you were actually cool

Three melt downs in an hour
Don't know why you're turning bad
Is it the pressure from the school year
That's making you go mad

Throwing things across the room
Randomly crushing glass
People wondering why you're like this
It's like you're holding in a secret, a big and heavy mass

You've become Goth
You've put homes on fire
You hate the world, can't let it out
You never seem to tire

You're a rebel overwhelmed
You wanna use a knife
Cuz ya really hate yourself
And ugh, you hate life

The Best Friends

The Best Friends--a short story I made with my friend Christina

Once there were two friends. There was Coconut, the snow white stallion, and Buttercup, the playful Beagle puppy. They remembered meeting on a shady day in the barnyard field. Buttercup was only two months old, and Coconut was only a foul. They had both been curious to explore the unknown and make new friends.
When Buttercup had asked Coconut to be her friend, Coconut gladly answered, "I would love to be! Today is my first day out in the pasture, and I have already made a new friend!"
They discovered many things about each other. They both lived on a farm in Kentucky. Coconut lived in the stables, while Buttercup lived in Master's house.
Buttercup and Coconut would play every day in the pasture. They had many adventures together. They both remembered the time when they ventured into the great unknown forest. Even though they were frightened of the noises and creatures said to be living in the forest, they enjoyed exploring and finding that the forest wasn't as scary as they thought it was.
Coconut and Buttercup lived all of their lives together on the old Kentucky farm. Everyone knew them as not just Buttercup, or not just Coconut, but Coconut and Buttercup. They were like sisters--there was not an experience either one of them remembered alone. They were inseparable.
Inseparable, that is, until Coconut was sold to a farm in Tennessee. They remembered the day well, when a master from another farm inspected Coconut in every way. The words, "She's good. I'll take her." had broken their hearts. They were to never see each other again.
A few weeks after Coconut was taken, Buttercup decided she would find a way to see her best friend. And without knowing Buttercup's decision, Coconut decided she would find a way to see Buttercup. The two friends set out on their journeys early the next morning.
In the misty morning, Buttercup set out through the forest. She was nervous, but remembered her experience with Coconut and kept going. She tried her hardest to ignore the mysterious sounds and peering eyes lurking through forest. She sprinted on to Tennessee.
Meanwhile, Coconut galloped through the wild fields of Tennessee to the farm where she was born. She was so happy to be going to her home and seeing her best friend again. She hadn't liked it at all in Tennessee. It was all too different. No one dared make friends with her and thought she was odd. They were too concerned about being "broken".
And suddenly the friends saw each other and couldn't believe their eyes. They both had traveled far just to see the other. They truly were friends and never again were separated.

The End

Back

Bex climbed up to her room as fast as possible so her parents wouldn't see her cry. She looked around at her room. Bex tried to think of the things that were better at home than at her summer program to make herself feel better. A nice bed, a T.V., a big room to herself...it wasn't helping.
She turned on music and then turned it off. Music at home wasn't like music at her summer program. She started to hate the luxuries she had that weren't what she had before. Bex burst into tears, knowing that she'd have to survive a whole year with them anyway.

I Didn't Know How Wrong I Was

I thought once the countdown ended I'd be happy forever
The feeling of ending the school year, beginning summer camp
Is enough to trick your mind

I thought time would stop for me or something like that
That summer camp would never end
I could freeze in on the cycle just to have fun

I never thought that the end would come
Never thought it could hit me so hard
That once the countdown reaches zero, it quickly turns to more than it has ever been before
What was I thinking?

Hairspray

Hairspray is something used to make your hair neat
All the girls think it's hard to beat
They use it in front of boys after the shower
Girls think looking glamorous gives you power

Fancy hairstyles, ooh and ahh
Going to the spa, la la la
Looking pretty is important
A day without hairspray--I can't!

Getting boyfriends, being admired
For me that just makes me tired
I throw my hair in a pony tail
For me that makes my spirit sail

I see hairspray differently than most people
It's a waste of time

Impression

Isn't it weird how one single action
Starts a whole chain reaction
People lable you from one thing
You're lazy, you're ugly, you can sing

Youi climb a mountain so they think you're cool
You run really fast so they don't think you're a fool
You ace a single quiz so they think you're smart
You can't be fat so you don't eat that tart

Isn't it awful how the world judges by first impression
Because of that there's so much pressure
So people choose things for what others wanna see
It's so stressful--I can't be me

Then there's the times you can't choose
There's no people saying you've got nothing to lose
They decide you're lazy if you're not a good athlete
You're always emotional if you cry when you meet

So you wish you could run like a light wave
Just the power to stop crying, a smile to save
You wish to have the perfect impression so they'll like you
But you realize there's no use wishing cuz it ain't coming true

So you try to be happy with what you've got
You know the perfect impression can't be bought
Even though you end up hating yourself still
For lots of character traits you'd kill

So since you don't appear perfect you make friends who love you anyway
Not the people who go by impressions day to day
But the world still judges by an image
An impression

Light

Slowly the chair creaks back
Snaps in half
I wince at the sound
Shed a tear
I weap with all my might

The spotlight beam hits the egg
It cracks
The yolk spills
Slowly
First the big yellow ball
Then the clear drops
And we all applaud
Like a show

Sadness moves upon me
Pie is everywhere
There are only two lights left in the world
The moon
And my lantern
The rest is dark

And suddenly
I feel something hot
Mounds of dust shower me
There's no way to get out of the
Dust storm

Why is the light
Slowly going out
And why
Is there a whole in my pillow

Everything freezes
Time just stopped
I feel us going down, down
Deep into a black hole

And then
I see a glimmer of a light wave
The single piece of light dancing around
As the world starts over again

Spaghetti

Slurpy and weird
Like worms in a bowl
Skinny and round
Perfect and neat, not even a hole

Stretchy and long
Twisted like shoe laces
Happy and silly
Without even faces

I smile back
The little twisted, knowing grin
I laugh at the spaghetti in my hair

The Pressure of Making Decisions

They ask you what you want
Meaning which way won't come to haunt
They think it's easy to decide
When it's so hard you wanna run and hide

Deciding which was to go, which person to please
Who won't really care and who will seize
Or is it best to make yourself glad
Probably not, cuz everyone else gets mad

So you think and you think--is it this way or that
Will each choice harm me, or is there one right and exact
You feel overwhelmed with the confusion of having to choose
There's the smiling lady waiting while you want to snooze

And at last, suddenly, you know the answer that's best
Finally, happily, you're mind can rest
Then horridly you realize your answer's prob'ly wrong
So ya keep going through the steps described in this song

It's so hard to make a choice
You can't say you're opinion, use your voice
You'll upset someone no matter what
How can they expect us to go with out gut
Gosh! Gosh! There's so much
Pressure

Freedom

Bex took one look at the place and knew she was home. She could finally be happy. She'd make friends. She'd learn. Bex was amazed at the place. Slowly, smiling, she turned around for a view of the campus. There was a library, where she knew there'd be lots of physics books, a small village of dorms, and of course, a place for girls to have fun. A mall. Bex giggled out of pure joy and anyone who could see soundwaves would say those were golden.
She took another step to the right and saw a group of girls laughing. She sprinted over to join them. The girls glanced at her and seemed to immediately befriend her. It had been about two minutes and she was already having fun. And with a sudden pang of joy, Bex realized she was free.

Heat

People want black or white
They want things exact and right
Logical, practical, they think that's the way
A jagged end could ruin their day

They use scissors so it's clear cut and perfect
Nothing should be crooked, just clear and checked
Come on, try a rip, a laugh, or a play
No, no, no, why another way

A rip makes it jagged, some grey in between
Not two exact halves, not just nice, not just mean
They say scissors make it neat
For me a rip is hard to beat

They say scissors and better than rips
But let me give you a few tips
Come on, put some color everywhere
Why do us people really have to care?
We care cuz we're people
And we want black and white
We want everything to be just right
So of course
Of course
We use scissors

You Never Know

She did as she was told, sprinting around the track. Bex felt the heat of the day digging deep into her chest, squeezing air out. As her body forced her to slow down, she wondered what it was about her that was so wrong. A fly appeared out of nowhere and blurred her vision, so that everything melted into each other when Bex turned her head. She heard the laughter and shouts of her classmates and gym teacher, and her eyes welled with tears. "Grin and bare it," she thought as she bit her lip to keep from crying. But as usual it didn't work and Bex sobbed as she ran the mile and the world spun around her. The heat continued to cut into her chest as her head pounded. Bex's feet stumbled. Her tennis shoes seemed to press against her sweaty feet and trap them, so that they turned into tight, swollen balls. For a minute Bex lost her balance and fainted. Slowly, black curled around her. The last thing she heard was a giggle from one of the popular girls. "I'll never be good enough," Bex thought, as a tear streamed down her cheek. Then she was enclosed by the darkness.

Think

Why can't you understand things when you want
Why is it later that the thoughts come to haunt
Why do the thoughts leave and go
It's not by your wishes that they did so

You question, you wonder, the answer never comes
You have the bits and pieces but you're mind's going numb
You're all frustrated and dying to see
Why can't my brain just listen to me

Then you're trying to think about it but you're brain's another place
You and your mind competing--it's like a race
Wishing you could think, wishing you could understand
But you're mind's stretching away from that like a rubber band

One day the answer comes--it's that flash, it's that flame
It's that spark, it's that rainbow, that never is the same
But like any flash or rainbow it always melts away
Why can't the thought keep thinking, why can't it even stay

It's weird, it's tough
Complicated enough
I guess I'll never know
But I'll think

Perfect

Society's belief
There's a simple solution to everything
A little hyper?
Try drugs
A little ugly?
Let's take you to a plastic surgeon

Society's belief
I know everything
Bad at a subject?
You're not trying
Don't eat normally?
You're anorexic

Society's belief
I'm always right
Drugs will help
Plastic surgery will make you a better person
You need to eat more
Try harder

Society's belief
Humans should be perfect
My belief
If we're perfect
How can we be human?

Electronic (to the tune of Barbie Girl)

I'm electric girl
In electric world
Nothing plastic
It's fantastic

You can bling my cell
Email on my Dell
Desiging a blog
Training my Nintendog

Look at my iPod
The computer is my god
Type on the keyboard
No, don't unplug the chord

Come on lectrics, let's go program
Oh, oh, oh, yeah
Come on lectrics, let's go program
Ooo, ooo

Buy me a game boy
It's better than a toy
I play a video game
They never are the same

Come on lectrics, let's go program
Oh, oh, oh yeah
Come on lectrics, let's go program
Ooo, ooo

Competition

They say it's all friendly, they say it's all fair
They say it's all fun, they make competition rare
They say it's a great place, competition-free
So of course that's where people like me wanna be

You get there and see all there is to see
You think it's a place where I can be me
And then you realize there are leveled groups
If you're not in the top people treat you like poops

You realize there's inner competition of where you shop at
They compete in who's more skinny, who's more fat
Who's a better athlete, who's a better singer
Who runs fast and who wants to linger

They try to force you not to compete
But people can't help themselves from seeing who got beat
It's a natural thing to see who's best
People's minds just won't rest

And what's worse about competition is they have categories
You can be good at athletics, the arts, swimming, even telling stories
But since there's so few you might not fit in
You hate yourself if you're not one to win

Cuz you see the winners being loved and hugged with thanks
Out of all the people you get the bottom ranks
You see the winners fitting into the crowd
And you feel alone and stupid, not one bit proud

And suddenly you regret ever coming to the place
You realize they lied, it's all a race
And with horror you realize that it's hard to escape it
Unless the rare case is you don't care if you fit

But no matter what I say most people do
So competition will always be there for you
Because we're human and we're normal
We compete

A Mystery

Why, when we grow older
Do we forget the feeling
Of finger painting
Blowing bubbles
Laugh attacks
Fairy tales

Why, when we grow older
Do we call playing and laughing
Childish
As if something's wrong with it

Why, when we grow older
Do we forget the feeling
Of joking around
Dancing like a crazy monkey
Pillow fights

Why, when we grow older
Do we grow more practical
Forgetting what it's like to be fun

Do we really forget?
Or do we remember what it's like
To act care free
But we're just scared to admit it.
It will always be a mystery to me.

Tangible

I stomp on bags of anger
The blood of hate
The agony of war
The pain of being weak

I slap the sounds of terror
The crippledness of fear
The horror of sadness
And the guilt of being bad

I attack the problems
But I'm still not noticed
I cry and scream for attention
But no one else is there
Everything is normal
Why didn't I change anything?

And then I think
I stomped on not even matter
I slapped a feeling
What difference does it make
If it's not even tangible

A Glance at the Moon

I glance high above me
At the silver plate in the air
I wonder if I could climb a ladder
And place the plate
On the palm of my hand
As I would feel a sudden calming
By the coolness of the moon

I glance high above me
And wonder how anyone
Would be able to walk on something
So tiny
I wonder why I can't look through my magnifying glass
And see the moon's thickness
Why do I just see a round sheet of ice
When the moon is an entire world?

I glance high above me
At the moon, shining like it knows everything
What does it know?
Why can't it tell?
And I smile
Finally understanding
That the moon has its secrets
Just like all of us
And because it's part of the world
It would never tell

I glance high above me
Wishing I could know everything at the moon
And at the same time being glad I can wonder
What's wrong with wondering?
This time I laugh
And know that the heart wonders
More than it knows
So I might as well have fun with it

I glance high above me
I smile back at the moon
The moon, which can tell you so much
In just a split second

I glance high above me
At the moon.
I'm still waiting
For the cow to jump over it